So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
