I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my being single is dangerous.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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