My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
