I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
