well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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