What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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