I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
