Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
