So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
