Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
