i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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