we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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