Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
