so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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