I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
