I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There's always time for handjobs
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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