yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
