If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
