i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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