dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
