Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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