I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
