Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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