upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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