im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
