can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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