got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
