Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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