My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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