Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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