Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
