Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
