Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
