In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
