She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
