I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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