no, he came in my armpit
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
