Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
