Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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