Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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