I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
