i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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