I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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