your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
