there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
FUCK WHALES
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
