Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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