why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
