Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
How's work?
Spinning.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
