I hate all girls vehemently.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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