Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
