It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
