hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
