You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
