I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Randomize
