Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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