oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
